Discoveries
by Lunaculus
Summary: Yozora reminiscences on her times as Sora with Kodaka and the time she first invented Tomo-chan, discovering new sides of herself. Sides which she feels hesitant about revealing to anyone. Oneshot.


It's been years since that day when I didn't tell him who I really was. So many years... and my best friend ever still doesn't know who I am. That I was the young boy he always played with back when we were kids. In a way I still regret not going out there back then and telling him the truth, yet a part of me is telling me that it's better that way. Sure, I've been lonely all these year. Sure, it has been painful at times. Even to the point where I created a replacament for Kodaka in my mind. As stupid as it sounds, Tomo-chan really helped me through these years. Like a true friend. Like Kodaka most likely would have, had he stayed.

Oddly enough, even though I no longer need her since Kodaka has come back... Tomo-chan still lingers. Not that I mind it, of course. Her presence helps me overcome my social awkwardness at times. Makes it easier for me to interact with people. Now that I think of it, she's a little weird. Despite having been created to be Kodaka's replacement, she doesn't really remind me of Kodaka that much. But rather reminds me of myself. Almost as if she's not a fragment of my imagination, but a me from the future who knows me better than I know myself. She's always been helping me try and become more honest with myself. Whether I listen to her or not is a whole another deal. Like when she keeps laughing at me because she knows that deep inside I'm actually grateful that Meat hangs around with me. Like hell I'd admit that out loud. The bitch is so full of herself already. She certainly doesn't need another ego boost like that, for fuck's sake. I'd rather choke on a steak.

During these years without Kodaka around, I got plenty of time to get to know myself better. Or rather, get to know Tomo-chan, the person I wanted to become, better. I know I call her by the feminine pronouns, but I don't really have a reason for that other than the fact that I've always wanted to have a girl friend. I always got along better with boys, so it was a nice change of pace to have a friend to do girly things with. Tomo-chan was always against me growing my hair out this long. The reason I did was more out of will to rebel rather than actual will to have long hair. I probably should have listened to her. Maybe if I had had short hair back when Kodaka transfered here, he would have recognized me. But we're friends now again, right? So does it even matter? Does he really need to know that I'm Sora?

I never really felt bad about those times when Kodaka thought I was a boy. Rather, I felt bad because I thought I was lying to him. Was I really? I mean, I was still myself all that time. I didn't act as if I was someone else. I acted like I always would. What does the gender matter anyway? Back as a kid I thought maybe if he knew I was a girl, he wouldn't have wanted to play with me anymore. At that age, girls always seem icky to boys and girls think that boys are just as disgusting. I was scared of losing him for the immature way that the brains of little kids work. Nowadays... I don't think it matters anymore. We've grown up. If anything, a girl with some boyish features would most likely be labeled cool by the guys at this age.

So should I tell him?

Tomo-chan doesn't have a gender because I think gender doesn't really matter. Gender is everyone's own business, nobody else's. Like Yukimura. He _knows_ he is a guy. So why would I question it? So what if she has "the wrong body parts"? He's a cool little weirdo nevertheless. Hell, his stance about being a guy didn't even move a single inch when I made him wear that maid outfit. Now that I think of is, that was kind of a cruel move from me. I guess it was a way of making sure he was serious. I should probably tell him he can stop wearing that dress from now on. Damn. I really do admire his confidence. If only I could feel as certain. Am I Sora? Am I Yozora? ...or am I perhaps Tomo-chan?

How can I tell Kodaka who I am when I don't know it myself?

Maybe... just maybe I'm all of them.

There are times when I feel like stealing the boys' uniform from someone and wearing it to school instead of the girls'. Times when I feel like combing my long hair and putting those little bows I often wear on them is too much of a bother. The fact that I keep mocking Meat's breasts is probably just one of my defenses as well because I hate my own breasts so much. Most of the time I wish I didn't have them. Maybe if I cut my hair again and wore a guys' uniform I could pass for a guy again. I could just demand to be called Sora with my most authoritized voice and no one would probably oppose. But I don't really want that either. I'm not really a guy. But I'm not a girl either. Just like Tomo. I feel like a ghost bouncing between different bodies. One day I'm Sora, the cheerful yet tough boy, the other I'm Yozora again. And then there are days when I'm just something in between. Like I don't have a gender.

Is it really that bad if I just want to be able to change between these three mes that I have? To want to be whoever and whatever the hell I feel like being whenever I want. It's my life, after all. If it confuses someone, fuck that person. They'd just have to deal with it. I could still have days when I wear bows in my hair and that short skirt that barely hides anything. The bows would still fit me if I had shorter hair, right?

Kodaka. I think I'm ready to show you who I am now.

I might not know exactly _what _I am just yet, but I can discover that with time. I'm sure you will help me.

And so will Tomo-chan.

* * *

A/N: Just a bit of vent fanfiction. Having a bit of a self-discovery trip here. I've realized that I might be genderfluid. I always imagined Yozora being genderfluid too, probably because I've only ever watched the first season. Which I did due to the fact that Yukimura being a guy isn't questioned there. He just is. And I think that's awesome. I know in the second season he's revealed to be a girl and I just hated the idea. So I'm not watching the second season. EVER. Eugh.

Anyway, I know this fic ain't one of my best ones, but I felt like I needed to let it out. So here you go.


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